We got married five years ago, and I’ve cheated on my husband four times. The first one was with a man who came through for me and my husband when the going got tough. The man was more of a friend to me than he was to my husband, so my husband pushed me to seek help and be honest about our needs as a couple.
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I called the man every day until he finally decided to help us. I met him, and that day it happened. I didn’t plan to let it happen. I didn’t want to jeopardize the help he was going to offer us, so when he suggested it, I took off my clothes. After getting what we wanted from him, I cut him off.
The second one was with an ex who returned from abroad and came with a gift for me. It was also not planned, but when we met, emotion took over. It might have been due to the kind of past we shared, or it was just curiosity. I regretted it deeply afterward, so I didn’t speak to him again until he left the country.
The third one, I think I was a little bit drunk and he took advantage of me. I’m not saying this to avoid accountability, no. I played a part in everything. As a married woman, I had no business drinking with a man in his house.
The fourth one is the most embarrassing. To this day, I feel some of my work colleagues know what happened and are judging me lowkey. Our company went on a retreat, and I ended up doing it with one of my colleagues. We didn’t have any history. He wasn’t even someone I would call a friend. I’m four years older than him, and he was at a level below me.
Thankfully, a few months after the incident, the guy left the company, and it’s the reason I can keep my head up around here and work as if nothing happened.
All these events make me feel so small in my marriage. They make me feel like I don’t deserve my husband and the two kids God has blessed us with. I wouldn’t call my husband a good man, but he tries his best in everything. He opens up to me about what he can’t do as a man. I wish, as a man, he could take control of this family and lead us the way men do. He doesn’t.
Financially, he’s a weak man and does nothing to improve his situation. That’s the only thing that makes me angry about him. He’s happy to watch me take care of things while he gives me excuses. That aside, I wouldn’t pray for any other kind of man for a husband apart from him.
I want to change my story. I want to start the next year from a clean slate. I don’t want to count another affair, and I don’t want to walk around with this burden of shame, knowing I haven’t been a faithful wife. Confessing to him is also a step too far. Men don’t forgive cheating. It will make our situation worse if I told him I’ve slept with other men.
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This brings me to only one solution: divorce. I have to divorce my husband for cheating on him. The irony. I don’t know what to think anymore. I’ve prayed for forgiveness, and it didn’t make me feel better. And in all sincerity, I don’t want to divorce my husband. I can’t give one reason if he asked why I’m leaving. It looks like I’m stuck, but I want a way out. In this situation, what do you think will be the best thing for me to do?
—Florence
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