I have known my pastor for 15 years. I was introduced to him by my ex-boyfriend when we were dating. He was like a father to him, and with time, I also started seeing him as a father figure in my own life. Even after my relationship with my ex ended, my pastor remained in my life. He turned into my spiritual father. I could call on him any time of the day, and he would show up for me, praying for me.
This one morning, I woke up feeling really unwell. I could not even complete my morning devotion. I tried to pray for myself, I did, but again, I decided to call my pastor and let him know what was happening.
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True to his word, he came. We talked for a while, and just before he was about to leave, he asked if he could pray for me. I closed my eyes. He started praying, then stopped. The next thing I felt was his lips on mine. I opened my eyes, trying to understand what was happening, and he wrapped his arms tightly around me and pushed me toward the sofa.
I struggled. I managed to push him away, but he overpowered me and had his way with me. Every step of the way, I fought back. Before he took off my underwear, I fought him. When he began fondling my thighs, I fought him. I did everything I could to stop him, but he was stronger than me.
I have not been the same since that day. Every time I close my eyes, I see him standing over me. I hear his voice praying, just moments before the kiss. When my phone rings and I see his name, my hands start shaking. Even when it is not him calling, I still hesitate before answering. I feel anxious all the time. I have stopped going to church because I don’t know how to face him.
I also think about his wife, and it makes me jittery. She is a very sweet person. She has always loved and respected me, and I have always respected her too. Now, I feel like I have offended her.
After the incident, he called me. There was not even an ounce of remorse in his voice. Instead, he offered to buy me new panties because he had removed the ones I was wearing. Since then, I have been avoiding his calls and doing everything I can to stay away from him.
I am dying inside because I don’t know who to tell. I am afraid no one will believe me because of his reputation. Even my sister, she would be more disturbed than I am right now. It took so much prayer and time for her to finally go back to church, and he played an important part in that journey. Now this.
To everyone else, he is the perfect pastor who loves God, preaches powerful sermons, and constantly praises his wife in church, talking about how precious she is to his ministry and the church as a whole. Who would ever believe that the same man could do something so evil?
He keeps trying to contact me, and every time he does, I feel even more trapped.
I don’t know what to do, but I needed to say it. I need someone to know. I share everything with my sister, but I cannot share this because she will be devastated and inform my mum. I want to be in a better place first, where flashes of that night don’t come at me at random times of the day. I want to be able to move from this terrible place of pain before I talk to them about it. Otherwise, I think it will be too hard for me to heal.
Nowadays, what I do is post cryptic messages on my status for him to see and at least realize his mistakes, but he just likes them and still asks when I am home so he can visit, which I ignore.
I wanted to record him when he calls and post it in the church group, but I feel for his wife. That woman is too wonderful to deserve that humiliation.
Who Would You Choose, A Rich Man Or A Man Who’s Good In Bed?
What can I do? Is the church even a safe space anymore? Has he done this before? Is it something he has been nursing in his mind for so long? Honestly, he has never moved in a way towards me that solidifies what he did to me that day. Nothing, it was just a daughter and father relationship. Where do I start from?
—Emily
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