I found love during the NYSC camp in Nigeria and started dating her throughout our service year. Throughout that period, I buttered her bread and sugared her porridge whenever she needed. As a boyfriend, I played my role in her life. I gave her money for everything she needed. I was just a service person like her, but I earned extra money from doing business in addition to my monthly allowance. I didn’t have much, but the little I got, I always made sure we shared it between the two of us.
Earlier this year, I moved back to my parents’ house in Ghana, and I brought her along with me. “It is a land full of opportunities. We can make it here. Besides, we will be closer to each other.” It took time, but I was eventually able to convince her to come over so we could build our future together.
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It was her first time in Ghana. I took her around, explaining how the currency works, how things were, and what life is like. Like I mentioned, I have a home here, but she didn’t, so I had to help her get an apartment and support her as she settled in. We were both job hunting together, moving from one place to another, hoping one of the applications would finally work out.
I didn’t have any problem doing all that because, in my mind, we were starting from somewhere and growing together.
We found little happiness in between all of this, but I was starting to feel threatened by something she said in passing one time. It kept clicking in my head. One day, we were talking about what happened in her previous relationship, and she mentioned that she actually cheated on her ex-boyfriend, which led to the breakup.
Why did she cheat? “He wasn’t giving me enough attention. He was always busy, running from here to there. So this man was giving me the attention I needed, and I started dating him,” she said.
When someone tells you in passing who they are, you do not ignore it. So I started looking out for the slightest signs, trying to help myself and also save our relationship. Paying attention to her every move made me realize there was another man in her life. From his accent, I could tell he was in the UK. They would talk for long hours, sometimes close to one hour, sometimes two. I would be sitting right there in the living room while she was on the other side of the apartment with the phone glued to her ear, talking to this other man.
Of course, I confronted her. “How does someone with a boyfriend spend so many hours talking to another man while I’m in the same room? What exactly is going on?”
She argued that they were just friends catching up on life and everything else.
“So, can you at least reduce the number of hours you both spend talking?” I asked. She replied, “Unless you can provide all my needs all the time, don’t put your mouth in the people I choose to befriend.”
She even went on to say that whether I was in her life or not made no difference. It turned into an argument where we were both right in our own minds. Out of anger, I blocked her for about a week. Looking back, maybe blocking her wasn’t the best way to handle the situation, but I acted out of hurt. Even then, she didn’t reach out. She didn’t even try. If she had tried, I would have known, but she didn’t.
Now she has got a job as a hotel receptionist, and from what I can see, she seems happy and has completely moved on.
Looking back now, I sometimes wonder if things started changing about two months before she got the job. Around that time, I was almost running out of money and couldn’t support her the way I used to. Maybe that’s where everything started, but I was occupied looking for a job, trying to fend for her every need.
We are both 28 years old, and right now I honestly feel used and empty after everything I sacrificed to support her emotionally and financially. Love shouldn’t make someone feel this way.
I’ve decided not to contact her unless she reaches out first because I believe relationships should involve effort from both people, not just one. I can’t keep carrying the relationship on my head alone.
When we were renting out the apartment, I signed as her guarantor. Right now, because of how everything is turning out, I have had thoughts about calling the landlord and asking that she be made to leave the house.
At the same time, I have a feeling that doing that would be acting out of anger and bitterness, and it wouldn’t be the right thing to do. I’m struggling with what to do with this bitterness inside of me. I feel used, like I had a purpose in her life, and now that it is fulfilled, she can just throw me away the way you turn your favorite T-shirt into a rag after it has faded and lost its color.
If I allow these emotions to lead me, I will make her pay sincerely for playing chess with my love. That is why I am here.
I Called My Girlfriend And Another Man Answered The Phone
What would you do if you were in my position? Should I let it go and move on, or should I take any action regarding the apartment? Was I wrong for setting boundaries about her relationship with another man? Was I wrong for expecting more communication and respect? Or should I accept that the relationship is over and move on with my life?
—Arnold
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