He didn’t come to me as a married man. He was a friend for a few weeks before we started talking about a relationship. I was concerned about his age, but he was such a sweet person. I told myself if I wouldn’t date him, it wouldn’t be because of his age but because of how he treated my opinions. I dated a man who was twenty years older, and he treated me like his daughter. I didn’t want to be in such a relationship again.
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One day he told me he was married. I asked, “Where’s your ring?” He told me he didn’t wear a ring. I asked again, “If you’re married, then why are you going out of your way for me? What’s in it for you?”
He told me he revered honesty above everything, the reason he had told me he was married and that even his wife knew he was going to propose to me. I thought he was joking, but everything he said sounded sincere and from a deep place. I asked why his wife wasn’t jealous about another woman coming into the picture, and he said right from the beginning of their relationship they had had that conversation.
I asked him to give me some time to think about it. I liked him, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to be in such a love triangle. I’ve dated married men before, but I wasn’t their official girlfriend. I was the girl they hid. I was the girl who never called them at certain hours, and I was cool with it, but this one wanted me and wanted his wife to be aware of the affair.
Two weeks without giving him a response, I had a call from a lady who introduced herself as Lovelace. “I’m Dauda’s wife. Can you come home so we talk? If that’s too much for you, I can meet you at any place of your choice so we get to know each other.”
We met at a neutral ground where she told me the story of their beginning. She was so free and visibly happy about the conversation we were having, but I was a little bit inhibited. She said, “You won’t regret saying yes to him. I don’t even want you to be his girlfriend. I will push him to marry you in no time, and I know he will listen to me.”
I was pinching myself all afternoon thinking it was a dream. A woman convincing another woman to be with her own husband? I thanked her a lot for accepting me into her home and still asked for time to adjust to the fact that I was going to be the other woman.
She called often. The three of us went out sometimes. One day, I visited their home and met their two lovely kids. The house looked orderly. You could sense leadership and companionship. The way he respected his wife and the honest way he portrayed his love for her made me soft. So I said yes to being his girlfriend.
That day, I spent the night in their house. I was pampered like a princess. When it was time to sleep, Dauda got up to follow his wife. She stopped him and pushed him in my direction. “Please, tonight he’s all yours. Make him happy. He’s my treasure.”
So Dauda followed me to the guest room, sat in the single sofa in front of the bed, and we talked until we both fell asleep. He slept in the sofa until dawn. I asked him to join me in bed; “I don’t want you to report me to your wife that I made you sleep in the sofa.”
We didn’t get intimate. Our first intimacy happened at my place when he spent a whole weekend with me the first time. Lovelace called on Sunday morning asking him if he would come home that Sunday. After they talked, he gave me the phone and we spoke longer than she even did with her husband. She thanked me for keeping him safe and happy and said I should start thinking of marriage so everything would be official.
We’ve been doing this for the past eight months. I’ve come to respect the relationship we share and the fact that his wife is in the picture, but I’m not sure about marriage. What’s happening currently looks fun and intriguing and sometimes dangerous. I feel marriage will make us settle into boredom. That aside, it will take me a lot of months or even years to convince my parents that I want to be a second wife. The struggle to convince them will take away the romance from our relationship.
The third reason I don’t want to marry him is about him getting a third wife after me. I wouldn’t like another woman after me. We discussed it and he gave me his word that all he wanted were two wives, so once I come in, the door will be locked. He’s an honest man, so I believe him on that, but I still can’t ignore the two other reasons.
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Marriage Through the Eyes of Millennials and Gen-Z
Lovelace calls and asks if there’s something she can help with or a doubt to clear. I tell her I’m fine. Lovelace is too sweet; it’s almost unnatural. I asked her one day, “Where did you learn to become this kind of wife? Please take me there.” She laughed and told me it comes from the trust she has for him and their relationship.
I’ve given myself a few months to decide. Hopefully, I will be able to decide before our relationship hits a year, but I’m asking, what’s the worst that could happen in this kind of relationship?
—Franka
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