When I was dating my husband, I remember there was never a single fight he had with his elder siblings that wasn’t about their parents. They didn’t support their parents financially, so whenever he was on a call with them, he was either begging them to help or insulting them for neglecting their parents. They were all working and earning good money, but they never sent anything home. He was the one keeping his parents afloat.
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When his mom got sick and came to live with him, I was just his girlfriend, but I helped take care of her. I cooked for her so she could take her medication, and sometimes I took her to the hospital to see the doctor. My boyfriend would be on the phone pleading with his three elder siblings to help.
I remember his dad telling him not to bother. His younger sister became friends with me because whenever she came around to visit, I was the one who entertained her and took her to different places.
We dated for a little over a year before we started talking about marriage. When his dad came to visit and told him he was going to marry me very soon, I thought he would be happy. He didn’t even smile. The same happened with his mother, the woman I had helped whenever she was sick.
During our wedding preparations, his mother called me and told me to remind her son that he hadn’t sent them money in a long time and that he should send them something. I asked if she had spoken to him, and she told me he wouldn’t answer their calls. I went to see him that very day and asked what was going on. He said, “I’m using the little I have for this marriage, so I’ve told them to speak to my brothers and sisters.”
That day, I sent money to his mother on my phone and told her his money was with me and that he had asked me to send it to her. I thought I was doing a good thing. The following month, when she called again, she said, “Since he’s now giving you all his money and doesn’t mind us anymore, can you give me some of what he gives you?”
I was stunned. That was the moment I realized I needed to stay out of it. I told her I would speak to him and ask him to send them money. Lucas didn’t send them anything, no matter how hard I tried to persuade him. Instead, he called all his siblings and pushed the responsibility onto them. I don’t know whether they sent their parents money or not.
During our wedding, they were all there. They didn’t smile at me and interacted with me only on a few occasions. His mother tried as much as possible to avoid me. I noticed it, but I didn’t let it bother me. My mom sensed it too and asked if I had fought with my in-laws.
I hadn’t even moved into my husband’s house after our wedding when his mother started abusing me. She would call me on the phone and tell me I had brought bad luck into her son’s life. “Everything started going wrong when you came into his life. I warned him, but he wouldn’t listen. Go back to wherever you came from and leave my son’s life alone.”
When I reported it to my husband, he became so angry that he called his mother and warned her never to call me again. He shouted over the phone, “I’m your third child. My elder siblings are also there and living better than I am. Why is it only me? Are they less your children than I am? I don’t have it. When I did, I shared, but now I don’t.”
After he ended the call, he told me not to worry because he knew what he was going to do.
Then I moved in with him.
Things got worse. My mother-in-law would come all the way from Kasoa early in the morning just to insult me. She called me a prostitute whom no one wanted, so I had run to marry her son. I was deeply hurt. She would stand in our compound for several minutes, hurl insults at me, and then walk away.
When I called my husband to tell him, he became furious. As soon as he returned from his trip, he went home and warned his mother to stay away from me or there would be consequences. I begged him to send them something, even if it was just a little. “I don’t mind if we don’t eat,” I told him.
My husband wasn’t pretending or trying to be wicked toward them. He said the wedding had taken a toll on his finances, but above all, he was tired of carrying the responsibility alone. He kept telling me he knew what he was going to do.
He did send them money occasionally. Sometimes I even added extra, even when I hadn’t sent anything to my own parents yet. But whenever a month went by without them receiving money from him, I was the one they blamed. Even his younger sister, whom I had been friends with, started attacking me on the phone and on social media.
I posted a photo of my husband and me on Facebook for his birthday. I tagged him, called him the best thing that had ever happened to me, and wished him a happy birthday. My sister-in-law commented, “Do they also know that because of you he doesn’t take care of his parents? Add that you used juju to get him to marry you.”
After making the post, I didn’t check it again until my husband called and asked if I had seen her comment. “Go and delete it. Hurry up.”
I checked, and her comment had attracted over fifty replies—more than the birthday wishes under the post itself. Of course, none of those people knew the full story, yet they judged me, asking why I would stop a man from taking care of his parents.
I deleted the comment and blocked her.
His dad also came to our house and tried to push me out. They only visited when they knew my husband wouldn’t be home. I was always the target. It wasn’t even as if my husband never sent them money. He did during some months. Sometimes he even sent them money in the middle of the month.
My husband said, “I’m going to do exactly what my other siblings did—for your safety and for the sake of this marriage.”
He didn’t renew the rent on our old place. Instead, he found another house, and we moved. His parents don’t know where we live now, not even his sister. He told me that’s exactly what his other siblings had done, which is why their parents couldn’t show up at their homes to demand money or attack their partners.
We’ve been here for a few months now, and I must say there’s peace. The fact that I know they can’t come here also makes me feel safe and free in this home.
But sometimes my conscience pricks me. I feel like I’m the reason my husband has cut his parents off. He doesn’t answer their calls anymore or even visit them. He’s completely gone into ghost mode.
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But what if something happens and one day I need the help of his parents? You can’t predict life, and I know how family can make things difficult if something bad should happen to my husband. That’s the only thing keeping me awake at night these days. I’m even afraid they might spiritually attack us just to prove a point or force us to our knees.
So I beg him to visit them once in a while or at least call them and let them know he’s still there for them. I remind him to send them something. Sometimes he does, but I also understand when he doesn’t because things are hard.
I don’t know what to do to make this feeling go away. I pray for financial abundance. That’s the only way I see this issue being resolved.
—Irene
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