Living in the UK can be a very lonely life, and trying to find a man to date is even worse, which is how I ended up signing up for a dating site. I matched with a man who became a friend, and we became good friends. He was also trying to play matchmaker in my life. One day, he sent me a message saying he had found a husband for me. It was the way he said “a husband for me” that made me laugh.
That was how Ben came into my life. Ben is a very handsome man, straightforward with his truth too. When we spoke about what happened in his previous relationship, what led to his breakup, and where he was at fault, that level of accountability impressed me. We went from calls and texts to video calls, and then he proposed.
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At this point, we had dated for five good months and had not been able to see each other. All we did consisted of online dates, scheduled video calls, and texts. Anytime we planned to meet, work always got in the way, so it never happened. But then, one day after five months, I picked up a bag, booked a ticket, and travelled to Yorkshire to see my man. I went bearing couple outfits for him, and I went perfume shopping for him too. After all, what is sweeter than a man who smells nice?
The man was even finer in person, calm and clean too. Truthfully, we had a sweet time, from talking to making meals in the kitchen together, to going out for walks. Until it was evening, and this man tried to make a move despite our agreement.
When he proposed, it was not with a promise of marriage, so I let him know I would not be sexual with him while we dated, just so he understood what he was signing up for. I am a thirty-six-year-old woman, and keeping my green card up to this point is something I hold in high esteem, so I always let my suitors know so they do not feel led on. I laid my cards on the table. That is how we started planning for a wedding. He started with introductions. I met some of his family who were based in Ghana, and the others who were currently living in the UK. He has a daughter, and I met her too over a phone call. She lives in Ghana. I did not want a fancy wedding, so I proposed that his family should meet mine for the marriage rites while we stayed here to live our lives until we were both ready to go back home.
He was supposed to come see me for my birthday. It was time for him to visit me, and I suggested we celebrate somewhere together. The entire expense was five hundred pounds. I suggested he pay half, but he declined. I was willing to pay for the whole getaway when, all of a sudden, he mentioned he would not come if he was not going to get intimate with me.
“If you are not going to let me hit, then what is the point of this trip?” he said, and he broke up with me there and then.
We did not exactly end on a bad note, so he came around as a friend, and when he met a woman, he would run and text me. He met a Ghanaian lady from Manchester who had British citizenship. I was very happy for him because he was facing visa issues around that time, and she also had children, so I reckoned they had more things in common.
Almost everything they did, he texted me to let me know, including details about their relationship. He told me about the marathon sex they were having, and he further elaborated and described how, even though the lady had two children, she had firm and squishy breasts. Not that my girls are lying down, and I did not need that kind of information, but what was I supposed to do? I kept entertaining this man because I did not have many African friends I could easily speak Twi with.
A couple of months later, this man called me to inform me about his breakup with the woman he was so head over heels for.
“She is refusing to accept that we cannot continue. Her family has also been trying to get me to reconsider my decision.”
I did not know how that was any of my business, but I offered him my sympathy for going through a breakup. A duck will always be a duck, so he changed topics and started talking about how ladies, both African and white women, were swarming him for attention.
“Oh, I am happy for you. Now you can choose whichever one you want from them,” I responded.
Could you imagine this man then started begging me to come back? He said he missed me and that he had missed a great chance to wife me up, and that we could still make it work.
Recently, he requested my sister’s contact, saying he wanted to purchase some properties in Kumasi and needed assistance. It was after I had given him the number that he revealed his true intentions. He wanted to speak to my sister to encourage me to give him a chance after he had fumbled.
I told him, “My sister cannot influence my decision to marry or not marry anyone. I make the big decisions about my life here.”
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I am very keen on red flags. I see them and run, and even when it means running away without any footwear, I am all for it. If he left me for a British passport, he could leave me for any reason in the future, and that is not how I want my story to be written.
I liked the shock on his face. Maybe it was the way I was very articulate, or how my eyes were wide open when I gave that stern warning. He has not called back yet, but I am very sure he will be calling again anytime soon.
—Efia
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