One of the reasons I agreed to date him was because of how consistent he was when he first approached me with his proposal. I refused him at first, but he kept coming back again and again. We live in the same neighborhood, and anytime he saw me approaching, he would leave whatever he was doing just to come and speak to me.
Then, I got contracted to work with an organization for a month, and even though he had business too, he always went to my home to check up on my sister and reported back to me on how she was faring, which to me sounded very considerate. To me, it felt like returning the favour, so I surprised them one afternoon. He did not know I was coming. It was meant to be a surprise. The moment he saw me, worried lines creased his forehead, and he could barely put his words together.
After I left, I randomly asked him if he had a child. Maybe that was why he was jittery and sweaty throughout my visit. He brushed the question aside. Days later, he told me he had something important to say. “But only if you come around. This conversation is not for the phone.”
I insisted that if he had a child, we could talk about it. I kept pressing because the feeling sat heavily on my chest and refused to go away.
Later that night, he confessed to everything that had been bothering him, some things I already suspected and others that left me completely shocked.
So, I am actually dating a divorcee. He was married for eight years, has four biological children, and six altogether if you count the two children he adopted from his ex-wife’s previous marriage. According to him, after the scales finally fell from his eyes, he realized his wife had only been with him because he was a good provider. Nothing more. I did not even know they had been legally married until that night.
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He said his ex-wife already had two grown children, now 23 and 19, a boy and a girl, who had been living with their grandmother. Immediately after they got married, he asked the children to come and stay with them. He took care of them until they completed SHS. He divorced her because she had been sleeping with other men, and according to him, there were even videos to prove it.
It was a lot to take in. A divorcee. Six children. An ex-wife who had only been out of the picture for a year and some months, yet still very present because of the children they shared. While he spoke, my mind was already racing ahead, trying to imagine what my future would look like if I stayed.
Then, a few weeks ago, it finally dawned on me that I might be walking into trouble bigger than myself. Still, I am here for you to listen and tell me what you think.
My boyfriend still provides for them, even the two children who are not biologically his. Especially the girl. I once asked him why he still does so when the children already have both a mother and a father. He told me he does not want her going after men for survival, so he is doing his best to support her.
The children came visiting one day and left immediately after they realized there was another woman in the bedroom. I overheard them calling him Daddy, and I felt uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable.
He still accommodates the children despite everything their mother did to him. He said their mother does not want them coming close to him anymore, but the children refuse to stay away. He keeps telling me he is only helping them because they see him as a father, and because no one truly knows what the future holds.
Part of me understands him. Another part of me is worried.
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Men Don’t Like It When Women Do The Paying
I accepted him even after he told me about his children. The fact that he still provides for them actually made me respect him more. To me, it showed he is a good person and a good man too. He has assured me that none of his children will worry me, neither will his ex-wife. He has even started planning ahead for me, talking about putting up a shop so I can start a business once I am fully done with this work assignment.
I am a 28-year-old woman, and this is the burden I have found myself carrying. Whether or not I am willing to carry it for the rest of my life is the decision I am struggling to make.
I have grown soft toward him, and that is what is making this decision harder than it already is.
—Freda
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