I think I am the kind of friend nobody would want to have around, and that is a painful thing for me to admit.
I get jealous whenever my friends are doing better than I am. Whether it is getting a better job, doing well academically, making more money, or simply progressing faster in life, something inside me just cannot handle it. Instead of being genuinely happy for them, I feel upset, bitter, and disappointed in myself. It is exhausting, and I hate that I am this way. Why do I feel this way toward the people I love the most? Why do I get jealous of my friends? Why do I feel the same way about my own siblings? Why? Why am I like this?
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I have tried so hard to change. Every day, I tell myself to be happy for other people’s success and to be a better friend, but I just cannot do it. I have even prayed about it, hoping the jealousy would disappear, but it is still there, and I feel like it is slowly taking over my heart.
Lately, I have even been thinking about cutting all my friends off and staying by myself. That way, I would not have to hear about their success or watch them achieve things that end up making me resent them.
At least I would never have to deal with the bitterness that keeps growing inside me. I would not develop so much resentment towards them or feel that raging fire in my heart every time I see them happy or hear that something good has happened in their lives.
Do you think being alone would help someone like me? Or would it only make things worse? I honestly do not know anymore. All I know is that living like this is incredibly hard. I am tired of constantly comparing myself to the people I care about, and I am tired of fighting feelings that I never wanted to have in the first place.
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I honestly do not want to be this kind of person anymore. I want to celebrate my friends without secretly wishing I had what they have. I want to be very happy when good things happen to them instead of feeling threatened by their success.
How do I stop being this jealous? What can I do to become a better friend and finally find peace with myself?
— Peter
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